Tuesday, May 6, 2008

the evil person I've become

I've always been a fairly nice person. Or at least that's my opinion of myself. I let people go before me in line that have fewer items than me, I do random acts of fast food, I pay it forward, I do knitting for charity, I drive the speed limit and yield when I'm supposed to. I will also park and repark trying to get my car in between the white parking lines appropriately rather than park all the way over on one side.
For some reason, I have been witness to myself exhibiting a couple of real asshole behaviors this week. The first one was the other day when I went to Books A Million. There were some folks around me who had exhibited interesting parking techniques and rather than park in a different spot or pull forward and back up a hundred times to get it right.... I parked using up one and a half parking spots. Yep, I did. I'm sure somebody was calling me everything but a child of God, but I parked that way and I thought to myself, "I never do any asshole parking. Today I am going to be an asshole parker. Today, I invoke the right and privilege of being one of the assholes out there who gives no thought to others and their right to park."
My second evil doing occurred today. Now, I didn't actually intend to do this one, but it just kind of happened. And I did nothing to stop it. I went to Kroger to pick up some toilet paper. For some reason, my stepdaughter makes a habit of taking all the toilet paper rolls into her room.... one by one. Now, I don't know if girlfriend has a super snotty nose or he just gets some deviant thrill on absconding all the toilet paper in the house to leave the rest of us stranded and in a mess. I had gone into her room and retrieved what rolls I could find left and we were still in need. So to the store I went. I was also in need of coke zero. I am down to one 20 ounce bottle and this constitutes an emergency in my line of thinking. I bought the TP, a few other items, and some coke zero. Now for some reason they did not have a six pack of 20 ounce bottles. All they had was a 3-pack of 1 liter bottles. I was desperate, though, so I put them in the cart. I went up to the checkout. I felt the need to have somebody else scan my items and fight with the barcodes for a change as opposed to me doing it which is what I normally do. Perhaps it was attention seeking behavior and the need to have somebody wait on me. Whatever the reason was, I went to the checkout. Of course, my coke zero wouldn't scan. By this time, a little line behind me had formed since the lane I was in was the only register open with a cashier manning it. I could very well have told her to forget about it and I could have searched elsewhere for the six pack, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to get in my car and go to yet another store in search of the coke zero. I had a three pack right there and I just didn't want to be the nice guy and tell her to forget that particular purchase so I could expedite my checking out and thus expedite the checking out of others. So. She had to go back and find the price. I patiently waited. No, really. I was quite patient. People got frustrated at the length of time it was taking her to get the price and left the line in search of a quicker mode of getting out. I stood there. Several other people came up and asked where the cashier was. I told them she was getting a price. I didn't care. I was an asshole. I was being a selfish, self-centered person concerned only with my only personal gain through coke zero.
so, there you have it. The synopsis of my week thus far in being an asshole.


>^..^< jlw said...

definitely evil...

so, yesterday, I was at the grocery store after driving my car correctly into the parking spot and right across the lane, some one whipped their car diagonally into a non-diagonal spot. I immediately thought of you! I was slow getting out of my car, so the driver of the diagonally parked car got out, a little grey haired old lady. She got to the back of her car, looked at how she was parked and kept on walking into the store! I just smiled to myself.

La Duchesse said...

This made me think of that line from Cry-Baby: "I'm so tired of being good."

Calicoknits said...

Well-behaved women rarely make history. So you are well on your way to being a historical figure.

Knit Witch said...

Hmmmm........I thought an "asshole parker" was something different.

Oh, and check this out - my verification word for this comment is "peetr". Did you plan that?!?! I loves me some Mr. Man peetr!! :)